I got to my dormitory at 5:25 p.m., basically a private room with a bathroom, with zero distractions. The female area would be completely separated from the male area, like in any Ashram. We'd only see them at the meditation hall, but no one stared at 'the opposite side'. I put up my mosquito net and I was ready to go. The day of our arrival we had a short introduction to the course, and at 8 p.m. no one would speak anymore (unless, of course, if we had some problem, in which case we were allowed to briefly ask the teacher's assistants). Also, we were supposed to keep our eyes cast down, which is impossible to me: I am Latin! I like to look at people in the eye!
4:30 - 6:30 a.m. - meditation at the Hall (ummm... nope... I didn't go every day) 6:30 a.m. - breakfast (we had fixed plates, bowls and spoons, and a fixed seat, where we'd have to eat in noble silence before resting in our rooms) 8:00 a.m. - meditation at the Hall 9:00 - 11:00 a.m.- meditation at the Hall (sometimes allowed to small group questions with our teachers, one English-speaking male, one Hindi-speaking female) 11:00 a.m.- Lunch 1:00 p.m.- meditation at the Hall without teachers 2:30 - 3:30 p.m.- meditation at the Hall 3:30 - 5:00 p.m.- meditation at the Hall (sometimes allowed to ask questions to teachers) 5:00 p.m. - Lunch 6:00 p.m. - meditation at the Hall 7:00 p.m. - Vipassana course video (my favorite part of the day) 8:30 p.m. - meditation at the Hall 9:00 p.m. - questions for teachers (in 'private', as usual, and bed time)
As you can see, the schedule was very demanding, and nothing in the world could have prepared this 'Western girl' for so many hours of trying to keep your mind at rest. I had come from the most tiring job in history, and all of a sudden I was supposed to leave it all behind and focus on my... breathing? that sounded insane! Every day was a huge challenge... huge... so even though we were NOT supposed to read or write, I was already going mad, so I confess I broke that rule and wrote two tiny lines (no harm, right?) in my tiny agenda, in extra tiny letters, just to keep sanity, which I'll expand here:
Day 1-
The lows: I already wanted to quit. It was too hot, too tiring, too... well, boring! The meditation technique was to observe my breathing.. yes... all day, but seconds seemed like hours. Mosquitoes attempted to murder me every 10 minutes. We had to sit in that loto flower position which eeeeveryone in the world can sit in, except for me. My hips were in terrible pain, and I had to change my sitting position every five minutes... it was torture. The highs: video 1, in which the guru ji brought a tiny beam of light and hope, acknowledging that we might already be feeling like in prison (I can't say I didn't think so), and he recommended having only 3/4 of the food you normally had, so you could meditate better. I did, but most women would have a second and even a third serving in every meal! I was so surprised! -Another high was that the food was not spicy, so I could eat. The most important thing was seeing that from the first video, answers would come naturally, without me having to break my noble silence.
Day 2 -
The lows: Again, a very hot day, as I realized the Indian gastronomy is full of carbs, so I decided to have just one per meal, instead of the common lot of rice with 4-5 pieces of their bread to better enjoy their strange liquid-ish dishes. My stomach started to be affected, so I went (not that it surprises me in India) from mild to severe diarrhea and back, hehehe... The highs: After breakfast, I did a little exercise (not vigorous, as we were not supposed to, to keep the mind focused), and walked around the big garden at the Ashram, becoming aware of every tree, every flower, every insect. I discovered that one does not necessarily have to sit on those cushions on the floor if there is too much pain, but one can sit on a chair with a wooden foot rest! it was heaven! This day I was less sleepy, I saw a peacock, I had something like a cold yogurt (to which I added sugar and tasted well). In Video 2, the guru ji asked us to observe the triangle of our nose and mouth and focus on any sensation we had... we did that, again, all day... and encouraged the idea of consciously thinking of simply doing good... living life for doing good to others.
Day 3 -
The lows: The meditation technique asked to focus on an even smaller triangle, between the nostrils and the upper part of our lips, but ALL my body was itchy! the heat was again, unbearable, but this day my body seemed to be openly resisting to me trying to control my mind and body, so parts of my body that I didn't even know existed, were also itchy! as if I was being bitten by cannibal mosquitoes everywhere! I also got some chest allergy due to the extreme heat. I literally felt my ego fighting not to surrender to my desire of keeping my mind at peace! it was hell! I was sleepy again, sweating liters per minute, and trying to focus on my 'meds' ('meditations', as my dear Ricardo would say...) The highs: They gave us watermelon at breakfast, and I avoided milk and my tummy was happy, and I discovered that the most advanced students do not have dinner, but after 5 p.m., they can only have something they call "lemon water", or simply "lemonade" in my country, and that I could also drink that, so I was in heaven again! In the video, the guru ji encouraged us to follow our own path, as it is us who need to do the work if we want to start walking the spiritual path; no one can do it for us. Again, sensible and logical lesson.
Day 4 -
The lows: I was sleepy and hot again, starting to get sick. The highs: This was the first official Vipassana Day, when I did my first official -attempt of- meditation! The technique required doing a scanning of all the body and focusing even more, and I did, this one time, when I felt all was united: my mind and my body. I was able to control the unpleasant sensations of itchiness and pain, and not to crave for the pleasant ones, like when a soft cold breeze came through the window. Just one, one med that made it all worth it... all the suffering, all the pain, all the struggle. It may seem like nothing to others, but to me, this one time, made my week! After this, I saw the most beautiful pink sunset I've ever seen in India, and I inevitably thought of Allaoua, the sweetest angel in my life.
I also had some great thing at lunch, which later I discovered was pumpkin, and the best of all: it rained!! thank God it rained! I felt the rain on my face, and I walked around the garden caressing the tree leaves with my face! In the video, the guru ji explained that senses perceive something, so we must first observe it as it is, then assess it, and then the sensations come, but it is us who decided whether we react to them or not.
Day 5 -
The lows: Ok, I finally went to the 4 a.m. meditation session, but the meditation hall was too cold for me to bear, and most of the time they played these chants that kept distracting me, so I decided it had not been worth all the trouble. Other than that, the meds were as difficult as usual. At night I was feeling so nostalgic that again, I thought of Allaoua, trying to understand how some friend's souls connect and last lives and lives, only that this time I felt in prison for not being able to read or write extensively; basically for feeling I was not able to 'create'. I had nightmares that night. It was too hot and I didn't sleep much. The highs: During my meds I felt I focused more, and having 'conquered' the craving and aversion for sensations the previous day, this day I conquered the aversion to sweat... feeling huge drops of sweat down my face and head, didn't disturb me from my focus. In the video, the guru ji asked us not to dwell on the 'I', 'my', or on the emotions or sensations we may have, but to focus on what is really important in order to get rid of attachment.
Day 6 -
The lows: I-don't-want-to-be-here crisis again. I officially had a bad cold and a runny noe with a life of its own. I felt awful that I kept interrupting the people's meds. I was feeling completely tired and all my meds were abruptly interrupted by thoughts about 'the horse' (the man of the moment), who honestly speaking, most probably did not deserve my thoughts (or love... oh, well...). I was so desperate trying to meditate properly that I had to summon Ricardo to sit next to me in spirit, of course. I longed for a hug of his, feeling so sad and helpless that not even my logical mind understood what was happening. Like a big brother, a bigger soul, his presence came, lovingly, to sit next to me. As I peeked at the others, everybody seemed to be smiley with their eyes closed in a Nirvana state that I knew I would never get, but later in the video the guru ji said not to be fooled by that, because we all were going through a different process, and we all struggled, just differently. The highs: In the video, the guru ji said to keep fighting against craving and aversion, and to observe the parts of the body symmetrically, which was a good task for me, IF I were able to focus, of course.
Day 7 -
The lows: I thought I was feeling a bit better, but the worst part of my course happened. I started to have awful cough attacks, which made every meditation session an agony. They were one hour, with everyone else (we are talking about some 90 people) in the cold meditation hall, so my record holding cough was 35 minutes, and then I would allow myself to cough once, just once (harmless, right?), but that activated even worse cough, so I always had to leave the meditation hall, and felt awful and guilty every single time. On top of it all, I got scared by two "chipkalees" (Hindi for 'lizards') who broke into my room, and unlike my dear friend Marcela Arenas (who would probably not only jump from joy at the arrival of these new 'pets' but also give them a name AND adopt them), I was afraid they'd end up jumping on me during my sleep. Nothing more unpredictable that these species... yeah.. cute.. yeah.. quite cute... The highs: At sunset, I saw beautiful birds flying as if in a perfect dance. In the video, the guru ji announced that on Day 10 we would be able to speak, so that brought a little hope again. Also, he told a story of some hippies who were in Varanassi, and after having abused some local drugs, they took a boat at night to start a journey, and started to row and row. They did so all night, only to discover -after the drug effect was over-, that they hadn't advanced a bit. Someone else pointed at them that they had never untied the rope. This story made me laugh, and I realized two things. First, how much I missed laughing and smiling during the noble silence period. Second, that the story, like most of the guru ji's stories, was very easily applicable to anyone's life, reminding us of how many times we want to advance, but we can't, because we either are still carrying old weights (or attachment disguised as 'love' for certain people, in my case), or because we are simply not ready to start a journey due to external or internal causes.
Day 8 -
The lows: Having learned that in two more days I would be able to speak at last did not help me to focus. On the contrary, I lost concentration and kept thinking of the time all would be over, which is sad, as I feel I was wasting my time instead of focusing on what I really wanted to do, which was to meditate. The highs: I discovered how to play with light in a dark room with a tiny lantern, given to me by Fer, one of my best friends (and one of my soul mates). I saw the most beautiful yet simple 'Tittlis' (Hindi for 'butterfly', and one of my favorite words in Hindi) flying around, making me think of life, as when you want to see the butterfly, it flies away, and when you don't care anymore, it shows off by sitting right in front of you. The law of impermanence, as the guru ji would say in his videos.
This was a day of incredible discovery, as we, the new students, were allowed to go meditate in something called the 'meditation cells', a place with literally, individual cells or "pagodas". I know I was supposed to sit in lotus position and meditate there (and I actually managed to sit almost painlessly for like 30 minutes), but the shock of being there, in a cell, the first thing that made me think of was ..humanity. Misery. My first thought sitting there was all the energy from the thousands of people in many lives who might have been imprisoned in a cell in terrible conditions. I was safe there, but I couldn't help thinking of the times when humans forced other humans to live secluded from the society, without seeing the sunlight, with perhaps a meal per day, and nothing to do but feel they died every second in a cell. I felt so deeply sad and moved by what fortunately I have never lived, and I felt real compassion for whoever has been in prison, or denied his/her freedom. I had never felt humanity so deeply.
In the video that evening, the guru ji reminded us that if we want to heal others, we had to first heal ourselves. I guess that is one of the most important thing I have learned in the last 3 years, that it takes having been really in the dark in order to appreciate the light, and that it won't be until you deeply and madly love yourself that you'll learn to love others unconditionally. I get that. I want to think I am at that stage, at which nothing can destroy me, but trying to heal certain people I love is one of the main reasons why I am here in India this time. I need to understand the best way to serve and help others, now that my heart is open. The guru ji said there are 4 kinds of people: 1. those going from darkness into the darkness; 2. those going from the darkness into the brightness; 3. those going from darkness into brightness; and 4. those going from brightness into more brightness. It doesn't take much for me to realize when I have been in the first three stages, how hard and painful it has been, and how long my journey still is, but on the other hand, how blessed I have been for having encountered so many people, all fitting into any of the 3 categories for 3 decades, and a few angels who live in bliss (4th category), from whom I have learned so much. I feel blessed for having met them all, and learned from all, and to be alone and be able to keep learning.
Day 9 -
The lows: My cough attacks kept interfering with my meds, and I started to think that it might have been a reaction of my body (or my ego) to this activity, this course, which went against any routine I had ever had in my life. I felt as if my throat were reacting against my forcing myself to quiet my voice, and as if my body were looking for an excuse not to meditate. I did want to meditate, but I kept coughing and coughing every hour. I felt awful. The highs: In the video, the guru ji talked about 10 'pots' to fill if we are on a spiritual path. The sound of the video was never very good, so I did not understand most of them, but the message was good. The expectation of day 10 was too big, and all I did was to think of the moment the silence would be over.
Day 10 -
The lows: My last cough attacks... my last interruptions to everyone's meds. The highs: We heard that at 8 a.m., the noble silence would be over and I couldn't be more glad. I did not want to talk, but I was exhausted from all those 10 eteeeeernal days! To my surprise, after the 4:30-6:30 a.m. meditation at the meditation hall, the time that everyone had been waiting for, the end of silence, well... I didn't want to speak! some girl told me "come on... you can speak now", but I really did not see the 'need'. I replied not to be rude, and guess what I said: "I'm afraid to", hehehe. 5 minutes later we were retrieving our mobile phones and valuables form the office, making our voluntary donations (no, it is NOT some sect), and going back to our dorms to get ready for breakfast. So 5 minutes after that, I was already talking to the other two foreigners who had shared every video session with me, in silence, in a separate room from everyone else. We made friends instantly, after having only observed our behaviour very closely for 11 whole days. One from Russia, one form California, this Colombian, and a fantastic Indian girl who I decided to call, with all my affection, "my little chipkalee".
Day 11 -
This was an incredible journey. I felt like a loser most of the times because of 'bodily' sensations of discomfort due to the drastic weather, but I did win at many levels. I learned basically two huge things. One, that there IS a tiny possibility to control my monkey mind if I am disciplined. There IS more to life than the world of senses. Two, that the battle to diminish your ego is a long path, but I am able to endure some tiny hard tasks that I never before thought imaginable. I was able to surrender all my 'power' to this protected place to leave it all and disconnect from it all (as much as my mind allowed) to focus on looking into myself, and to think of how to love more, to heal others. I was able to wait, for seconds, hours and days, with a sole purpose in mind, instead of running away, which is one's first instinct: to escape from whatever one's monkey mind is used to.
A Vipassana meditation course can indeed change a person's life. There are numberless lessons that you learn with yourself at every minute, and some of those start without you even realizing, like the discipline of making a pause every time something irritates you in daily life, and trying to consciously observe it, and perceive it just as a sensation, channeling its energy, and not succumbing into getting annoyed, but trying to "observe it as it is" and letting it go away. The law of impermanence. Like observing water pass at a bank river... smoothly... peacefully. Every day is a gift.
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