HOW TO SURVIVE A TOXIC JOB

I collapsed.
On the 31st of december, 2016, my body simply collapsed.
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It all started when I was offered one of "the highest jobs" in my field in my country, they said; a great opportunity to learn new things, and the biggest challenge. I made the mistake to accept rather hastily, not really doublechecking with possible coworkers whether the job was really as promised. As it turns out, it had to do little with what I was really prepared to do. Sure, it was a huge challenge, but once you are in, you can't get out due to frustratingly inconvenient contractual terms.
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How do you realize that a job could be toxic?
First, because since the beginning, whether you realize it or not, whether you admit it or not, some voice inside you tells you that there's something off; you don't know exactly what it is, but not used to trusting your intuition, you still take the job.
Second, because oddly, at the beginning you seem to find only positive things: apparently-humane-and-inspiring leaders, an apparently-honest-and-extra-committed team, and apparently abundant opportunities to serve your country. It all seems too good to be true.
Third, because shortly after the first stage, you start to realize that the leaders are not always so good, or humane, or inspiring; the team is not always so completely honest or committed; and the opportunities to actually serve your country are very scarce, and you realize there is little no nothing you can do to change anything at all.
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How do you confirm that a job is toxic?
Because you finally see the negative aspects of the job and discover that the exception becomes the condition: the system allows the leaders to demean and even mortify people at work and AFTER office hours, and on weekends (!!!),  and there is actually no one to complain to; because you see that some people (who ARE actually good people) unfortunately develop the most despicable strategies to step on others in order to keep their own team's agenda and personal interests; because a small group of people, the 'untouchable' ones, can somehow work less and get more benefits; because the honest, hardworking people have to learn to survive the living hell the office becomes, because they need the job, the money, or the experience. And round and round they all go...
Because the work conditions, never explicitly written in your contract in the first place, go against your physical, mental, and emotional health:
- You are 'invited' to work for 12 hours a day or more and, due to the system, you can basically not refuse;
- You are assigned tasks without any tools to carry them out and with no support from anyone else (the "just do it" kind of work) and, due to the system, you can basically not complain;
- You find that your team does not and will not support you and, due to the system, you can basically not ask anyone for help (except for one or two truly ethical people, of course);
- You see yourself and everybody else get involved in biased, unfair rumors, childish behaviour, and malicious talk and, due to the system, either you are in the circle, or you are simply out;
- The most frustrating thing: you learn the real implications of "workplace harrassment" every day, every night, every weekend, to the extent that your personal phone is no longer personal, your Whatsapp becomes a painful extension of your corporate email, and your peace becomes just one more asset of the office supplies. Again, due to the system, you simply can't change that situation. It's infuriating.
Because you are not allowed to have an emergency at home, or with your family, because "there is a meeting you must attend", even if there are other 5 people from your company attending. God forbid you get sick, God forbid you have a work trip, God forbid you have a problem in your house, because 100 emails will still be waiting for you per day, out of which 60 are more tasks to do, at the everything-is-urgent-here-so-just-do-it-no-matter-what office.
Because the system is so powerful, and the leader-worker relationships work so automatically, that little by little you start to doubt that being good and honest pays off, as things around you push you to lower your ethics, to revoke your values, and to dettach from who you really are.
When you are working under such ridiculous amount of stress, you can't see the way out, because there is so much to do and such little time to do it, that it's just a no-end spiral. You just feel responsible for everyone and everything, so you keep working and working and working. You wake up thinking about work; you spend the day worried about work and doing as much as you can; and you fall asleep worried thinking about work. On weekends, you cath up with ...work!
You are always at work, both physically and mentally, so you never have time to actually talk to other people, or your friends, or your family, until one day you realize you have stopped smiling. Seriously: you simply can't smile aymore.
And you know you have touched the bottom when you realize that little by little, every time 'the leaders' undermine your work (yes, in public), yells at you (yes, in public), question your skills, and underestimate your performance, one little voice you dread at the back of your head starts to say "well, maybe I'm not good enough after all..."
That's when you must stop.

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I collapsed.
On the 31st of december, 2016, my body simply collapsed. And a few days later, I ended up at the Emergency Room, with unbearable pain.
I had had a toxic job in a toxic work environment, and my body finally collapsed because I held it all in for months! not to react potentially aggressively (verbally, of course) against others.
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I didn't react negatively. I responded by trying to focus even more on my work, acting humbly, and asking myself how to make things better in spite of it all, but I never reacted aggresively or dishonestly, which was what was probably  expected form me in this system. I'd go to "a happy place" in my head, understanding that when someone was mean, it was because they had been mistreated by others; when others were dishonest, it was because they had gotten somehow separated from their own values; and that when 'attacked', I was not the one being 'attacked' but muy ego. Thinking retrospectively, one part of me thinks that maybe I should have reacted more, like everyone else, and said horrible things, like everyone else  --things that I would have regretted afterwards, of course...then maybe my body would not have collapsed like it did... but no... reacting like that is so not my style anymore. Not worth it.
One thing is sure: I don't regret having been patient and understanding several times, keeping calm in the middle several crises, or  keeping my heart protected from some very hostile environments, because it taught me that I can really make a pause in my head and try to see things from the eyes of the others, because those others suffer, like we all do.
Once I finally let go of it all, my body was so stiff that I had to spend New Year's Eve alone, in bed, in a lot of pain. 'Multiple muscular spasms due to stress and alarming levels of axiety due to work overload', the doctor said. It's been 10 days and I was still in pain, taking some strong medicine that can put a big horse to sleep, but I still do my yoga stretching, and my every day meditations. All is getting better now.
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2016 was a rollercoaster, but I survived that toxic job precisely because of my meditations. They helped me learn what I do NOT want in a job, which personal boundaries NO job can cross. On the other hand, I admit I acquired skills and knowledge in such an accelerated way that one month seemed like a year. I grew gray hair accordingly, and I also understood that everything that happens in my life it's because those particular lessons are customized for me only.  No matter how much yoga I tried to do, and how much I meditated to deal with negative emotions and keep positive and compassionate, it was too much for my body, as it got hit by so much negativity for so long. When I meditate over that, I feel that perhaps God was protecting me from much worse physical problems, like a heart attack, as it happens to many young people due to stress, so maybe I was actually lucky. Everything is a test, and I had to learn about tolerance. Blaming others would mean nothing, unless you realize what every one of the people and situations came to teach me, and God knows I learned the hard way, like a sweet kick on one's face.
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What's next? after the whole situation I only feel relief and thankfulness. I am relieved because I am no longer harrassed by anyone on my whatsapp, on MY phone, or my email, and I am no longer surrounded by people mistreating people just for the sake of projects or contracts or money.
I am thankful for all the skills I acquired out of my comfort zone, all the things I learned about human behaviour and my own, the patience and forgiveness I got to practice, and the realization that I need to do more things to be better, like being more assertive and confident when out of that comfort zone, being a better leader (never cruel, inspite of the examples around me), and defending my health ferociously above all.

I am thankful now because I finally have time to look back and realize that I did my best with the few tools I had and the little support I got. The first problem was that I was not the best person for an administrative, rather insensitive job. The second problem was that there was barely anyone to really guide me, or to tell me that I was doing my best and that, given the circumstances, I was actually doing my best. I had to learn not to trust many people even thought they ARE good people inside, but their actions are not necessarily good and they, too, were poisoned by the system and the way they were mistreated. I also learned that no one can tell you that you can't: only you can say that to yourself (and even then, you shouldn't listen). I am thankful for the support I found in a few people, like my beloved grounding pole and academic sensei Ricardo R, my main allies Juan Camilo and Vivi, and my coworkers Diana A and Marcela. There are always genuinely good people out there who help light the tunnel. To them, all my love and respect (bow).
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I also confirmed that money and 'prestige' are not what I want in life. I don't carry around my diplomas or certificates, or fancy clothes or my credit cards (I barely use one). I don't care about showing off what I know in my field, or who I am as a professional, because my skills can only be tested in a classroom AND by students. All I want to do is to teach and to teach teachers; not to have 'prestige' or recognition. To me, being in a classroom, is still the highest privilege.
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Remember this: your diplomas and certificates do not define you. Neither do your jobs, or your origin, or your past experiences. Your character, your values, and your ethics do. Beyond that, only you know what's in your soul.
When I decided to become a teacher I was sure that that would be the most important decision in my life, and I took an oath the minute I graduated (just like doctors do), promising to serve students and teachers for as long as I'd live. I've lived for being a teacher, I've traveled looking for opportunities to serve teachers everywhere I can, I've become who I am for serving education. I've crafted that art for more than two decades, and only now do I feel that I really teach with my whole heart.
One former boss, very strong woman who I deeply admire, gave me one precious piece of advice before I left: "you still don't know what you're getting into; don't let them change that good heart of yours".   This job did not take contaminate my heart. It attempted to do so, in such creative, varied, despicable ways, but it failed. My body may have collapsed -temporarily-, but my heart hasn't.